The Masked Ball : A Conversation

Before you read:

This post is not a continuation of The Masked Ball, but it is a spin off of it.  If you haven’t read The Masked Ball, I would highly encourage doing so before you read this.  It may just help this make more sense.  


To set the scene, this is a genderless, nameless character who struggles with depression.  A little disclaimer; yes, I may have been able to tie in some real life thought processes I have had into this, but no, this is not actually me.


Without further ado, here is a look into what a bad day battling depression could look like in someone’s head.

 



Who are you?  Why are you here?  Why are you even trying to chase your dreams and be happy?  Don’t you know, you don’t deserve that.  You don’t deserve to be filled with joy.  You know why?  Because you’re such a screw up, why would anyone want to look up to you?  Do they not understand how evil you truly are?  Guess what.  You already know all of this, don’t you?  That’s why you’re stuck right where you are.  You are too scared to try and change any of it!


Getting out of my bed was always the hardest part of the day.  Facing the voices of my insecurities, realizing they’re right, and knowing life would be so much simpler if I just gave in to these voices.  Obviously, I have survived going this long without chasing after my dreams, and I’m making it just fine, so what is the point of even trying to fix this.


What’s one more day of laying in bed going to hurt you?

No!  I have to get up!  I know I’m not getting any closer to those dreams just sitting there!

Get up!  Go to work, and when you come home you can write something, or take a nap, or read a book.  Just get through today!

You can lay in bed for 5 more minutes.  How much do they really need you at work anyway?  For pete’s sake, it’s just a coffee shop.


Nope.  Time to get out of bed!  Go, go go!  Let’s face the day head on!  Today I am going to be productive, I am going to smile, and I am going to find a reason to love life.  I’ve got this!

Have you always been this ugly?  Look!  A few thousand new zits popped onto your face overnight!  Wow!  Your hair looks crazier than Einstein’s!  


Have you always been that fat?  Maybe you should think about losing a couple pounds.  Or maybe a lot of pounds.  Yeah, a lot of pounds is probably a better idea.  


Why don’t you look like all those singers and actors?  You see all the attention they get, right?  Why aren’t you striving to be more like them?


Why is looking in the mirror always so painful?  I have been taught that Hollywood is fake.  No one looks perfect all the time.  But yet, I look in the mirror and all I see is ugly.  My imperfections mark who I am, and everyone calls me out for them.  Maybe it would be better if I just stayed home today.

No one would miss you.  You are just a nobody in this world anyways.  They don’t need you at work, they won’t miss you at school.  


If your future doesn’t work out, no one was expecting anything from you anyways.  Everyone knows you are just a lazy slacker who has no motivation to fix your stupid life.  


NO!  Stop listening to that voice.  You’re fine.  You need to go to work.  Come on.  You’ve got this.  One step at a time.

Good.

When you get in the car, you can blast your music and dance like a crazy person.  Okay?  Grab your keys and your wallet.  Let’s go.


What would happen if your car just happened to run off the side of the road?  If it ran into something, would it really hurt you?  Maybe you can get out of “doing life” for the next couple weeks if that happened.  Or better yet, maybe you can get out of life altogether?  Doesn’t that sound amazing?!


What?  NO!  I don’t want to die!  I don’t want to run my car off the side of the road.  Yeah, I don’t like my job that much, but the only way to afford the hospital bills that would ensue is to keep working.  Come on.  You got this.  Just focus on the music, block out the voices.


“Hi!  How are you doing today?”  I say as cheerfully as possible to the young customer.

“I’m doing good.  And you?”

Awful. Craptastic.  I want to kill myself.  I don’t see a point to my existence.  I hate my job…..


“I’m absolutely fantastic!  What can I get started for you today?”


What just happened?  Why do I feel so different all of a sudden?  Wait, boss just said something to me.  What?  I don’t even know what boss is talking about.  Ok, sweeping.  I can do that.  Let’s see what else I can do.

Smile.

Come on.

Frown.

Just do it.

Cry.

Why aren’t you obeying?

Be angry.

What is happening to you?

Be happy!

Are you serious right now?

Do something!!!

You’re floundering over there, aren’t you?  Is there anything left to you?  


Wait, you can’t smile?  This is too funny!  You can’t even try and pretend to be happy, can you?  


Just put on a good enough act to get through the rest of the shift.  Act busy.  Don’t let people see that you’re breaking down.  Your brain may be going a million miles an hour but they don’t need to know that.  Act professional.

Why can’t you just accept that you’ll never be good enough?  You know you aren’t living up to anyone’s standards they had for you.  You can’t even live up to your own standards.  You don’t have the grades, can’t do the job, losing all your friends.  Why are you such a screw up?!


It’s 4 o’clock.  You’re done.  Go home.  You can break down there.


What’s even wrong?  I had a great day at work.  All of my customers were unusually nice.  I didn’t get into any trouble.  My family and friends are all happy with me.

Are they really?  Has your family even seen you this weekend?  Are your friends just pretending not to be annoyed by your pettiness?  Good thing you hardly see them.  Otherwise, they would probably be gone just like everyone else, wouldn’t they?


Why am I thinking like this?  My friends love me, don’t they?  You know what, let’s just call them up and see if they can hang out tonight.  Maybe a movie?  Yeah, that’s safe.  Minimal talking but still socializing.  Good idea.

Me: Hey!  We should hang out tonight!

Friend: Yes!  We definitely should!!!  Have anything in mind?

Me: I was thinking maybe a movie?

Friend: Perfect!  How about we go see *******?

Me: I’ve wanted to see that for weeks!  Let’s definitely go to that one!  You should invite some more people to come too!  We can make it a party!

Friend: Awesome, I will get right on that!  I can’t wait!  I’ll see you at 9!

Me: I can’t wait either!  See you then!

Actually, I think you’re regretting going to this movie already.


I don’t want to go.

Why do you ever make plans?  You know that all you are going to want to do is lay in bed and watch Youtube.  Why would you consciously make the decision to torture yourself by forcing yourself out of bed and be social?


I promised I would go.  I can’t let them down again.  I want them to still be your friends and to do that, I need to put forth my own half of the effort.  Plus, they’re literally my best friends.  I should be excited to go hang out with them!

It’s not like they even care that much about you.  You see each other once every few months.  Wouldn’t it be easier if you just let the friendships go?


It probably would be easier just to let the friendships go.  Cut my losses early, right?

No!  I can’t think like that!  Keep the friendships alive!  Cutting friends out means I’m not ok.  But I am ok.  I am not breaking down.  I am absolutely fine.  Now, go hang out with your friends like you promised you would.


Woah.  What is this movie even about?  I need to pay attention.  I know my friends will want to talk about it after it’s over.

Why did you even bother to come out of the house and pay for the movie?  You already knew you didn’t want to be here.


You know what, you’re right.  I will listen to you.  I know what you’ve said.  I don’t deserve to be happy.  I am ugly.  I should kill myself because there is nothing going on for me anyways.  Plus, it isn’t like anyone is expecting anything good to come from me.

Finally!  You know what you’re worth.  I’m proud of you.


I can’t emote, no matter how hard I try.  I wish I could cry.  I have wanted to cry for weeks.

Don’t cry.  That makes you weak.  We are not weak.  We are the strongest force in your life.

Oh my gosh.  What am I saying?  I can’t give up like this.

What?!  No!  Don’t go back!


It has to get better.  Just keep acting happy, maybe one day your wish will actually come true.

Until next time,

Aly

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