Priceless. A word with so much power. Someone considering you to be “priceless” is something that gives you a strong feeling of happiness and encouragement. There’s other words though. Words that can cause people to feel worthless. About a month ago I wrote a long entry into my journal and instead of having to tell many people about it, I actually want to post it here. I know this probably is stupid but if I need to get over myself, maybe I need to let other people know how I’m feeling.
Keep in mind I wrote this at about 2 in the morning and I didn’t write it as a prayer or anything like that. This is more of a plea for attention really. But, not anymore. I’m getting past some of the awfulness I’ve created for myself. Not all of it, just some. But, without further ado, here is a look into the craziness I like to call my brain:
I have a lot on my mind tonight. I really do wish I had a shut off switch to my brain because I know I overthink things way to much. It makes me lose sleep often. And that’s why I have this journal: For nights when I can’t physically talk to people but need to get the words out. So, here goes nothing…
I feel a lot of things all at once right now. I’m confused, anxious, often feel worthless (which leads to self-pity) and I also feel the need to be a constant people pleaser. If someone is having a bad day, I instantly try to cheer them up. I mean, look at what I do when I open with Steve…. He is a grouch in the morning and so I bring donuts in to make his morning a little better.
Now to address some of the more difficult feelings. I just feel lost overall. I mean, I know where I want my life to but I don’t see how I can get there yet. I just feel like I mess up with every step I take and I’m not precisely sure why. Maybe it is because I’ve drawn away from growing my relationship with God this fall and so since this is all relatively new territory I’m just unsure of what I’m doing? I don’t know for sure but it does make sense.
I don’t know. I’ve also felt a little incomplete the last few months too… All my friends left for school and I have stayed back. I have 1-3 friends at school and two absolute best friends who are still in Muskegon who don’t go to MCC. I have “friends” at work but don’t hang out with any of them. That has made me feel very lonely in the past few months. I mean, yes I’m lucky I have the friends I do have, I just wish for more.
And then there’s boys. Which is a quick thing to discuss because there are none. It helps factor into the whole lonely thing but it’s whatever. When God says I am ready, then maybe someone will come along.
And now, we have come to the business of life. I hate always having something I have to do/somewhere I need to be but I don’t know how to do nothing. Trust me, I wish I did… But, I guess that’s just a learned skill.
Alright. Now for there real reason I started writing. I want to rewrite my testimony. I feel like I have more to add to it since I last wrote/typed it out and although it doesn’t have to be written down to be my story, it is therapeutic in a way for me to do this. And so, without further ado, here is my testimony once again, from beginning to present day:
My story isn’t all that interesting. It has some twists and turns and when something goes wrong, it isn’t just one thing, it is a multitude of things. I tell you this, not so you feel sorry for me or even so we could relate more, because I know this is how many people’s lives are, but to warn you. My story may become confusing in some spots. I may leave one part unfinished and move onto the next part but I will do my best to finish every part I start. I did consider only writing about certain parts but leaving any part of the story skews who I am so, here goes the story of Aly.
I am the oldest of 4 children. Born into a Christian home, I was saved at an early age and don’t remember anything but being saved. I had a normal childhood. I had my ups and downs, was bullied (of course), switched who my friends were often but never really was challenged in my faith. I did what my parents told me to and that was that.
When I entered high school, a lot started to change. By this time, I had quit dance, which I did for 12 years prior, and started playing soccer. I had gone to the same school my entire life and couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.
That year I was on the varsity soccer team as starting goalkeeper. I loved that position and had THE game of my career on that team. However, a few weeks into the season my knee started giving me terrible pains. When I went to the doctor I found out my femur was dying off and would break off and go underneath my kneecap, causing the pain. Because of this I stopped playing halfway through the season. I hated what was happening then. I couldn’t understand why soccer was ripped away from me.
Also occurring at this time, I was told by my parents that I would be switching schools the next fall. All of a sudden, everything I knew was comfortable was being taken away from me.
Although these transitions were difficult for me, I made it through them both. However, I had some serious doubts about God and wasn’t sure if I wanted to believe he was real or not. I started at the new school and quickly learned the ropes. I started making friends and fitting in much easier than I expected. When I turned 16, I got my 1st official boyfriend. He was 18 at the time but we had known each other for years and this felt natural to us. Within a couple months everything changed though. He started wanting things I didn’t want and he hurt me.
At the same time, another soccer season had started at school and within three weeks my other knee started acting up. I knew going to the doctor what the consensus would be. What I didn’t know was how quickly I would be put into surgery. 6 days after the initial doctor visit I was under the knife.
Because of how speedy the process was I didn’t truly process what happened until I was recovering. All of a sudden everything about God seemed totally unreal. I was 16, had two knee surgeries in 10 months, was in an unhealthy relationship with what seemed to be no way out, and a ton of doubts. In the summer of that year I was recovering well from surgery but still in the relationship with this guy. I went to a Christian summer camp with a friend (camp called Camp Barakel) and there I learned a lot about the devil and his hold on you can do to you. That encouraged me togo home and break off the relationship with this guy.
A week later I went up to the same camp to work and on my way home I started choking. I learned later, after emergency surgery, how close to death I really was. According to my parents and the doctor I was a quarter of an inch from death. Being told how I close to dying kind of show me that I do have a purpose in my life and although I didn’t know what it was at the time, I was ready to live for God.
Over the course of my junior year in HS, I only tried to deep my relationship with God. In my senior year I really started making my faith my own. I challenged myself to do what scared me most. To share my story. I started with my youth group. That version was very bare with hardly any emotions tied in.
The second time I shared my story was at a girls retreat I helped plan and teach at. That time I told them everything and they surprised me by saying they could relate to my story. A few days later I shared my story in chapel at school and finally, a few weeks later, I told my parents the entire story. These experiences showed me my purpose was to tell others about the sovereignty of God and how He always does what is best for you.
And then, my world was shaken again. Since the fall of my senior year when I visited Grace College in Indiana, I knew that was where I wanted to go. However, in the spring when money wasn’t working out, I had to make some quick changes and enroll in community college.
When I had to make that decision, I cried. A lot. Community college was everything I was trying to avoid. I wouldn’t be moving away like my friends were and the stereotype of the students that attend there is that they are all stupid. I didn’t want to be one of those kids.
Over the summer and fall I have lost a sense of purpose. I want to care about my relationship with God but can’t find it in me and I can’t figure out why.
So that’s where my story is right now. I wish I could find my way back to happy times. Times of not feeling worthless and anxious with every move I make. Thanks for letting me unload all of this on you. I really needed this.”
Until next time my friends,