I think I could like him, or maybe he’s just a friend. It would be so inappropriate to actually like him. He doesn’t have any of the same kind of morals as me. He doesn’t have the same religious beliefs. Does he like me? That’s ridiculous. I’m not worth liking like that. I need to figure myself out before I can think about relationships. I don’t need to date right now, I have to focus on school and setting a good example. But, what if he does like me? What if I happened to like him back?
Alright, I’m supposed to take a left here and then… umm, why is there a dead end sign there? Oh shoot! Where am I supposed to go now? I’m going to be lost forever. Better leave an “I love you” message for my family. UGH! Ok Aly. Calm down. Just use the gps on your phone. Make a u-turn and then turn left. See? You’re fine. No damage done, minus maybe the little heart attack you just gave yourself…
Why was I sent up front? I thought I was an important piece of the team. I thought that he thought I was a good worker. Now I’ll have other people on my case for not working hard enough. I just need to prove that I can do it all no matter what. They don’t need 4 of us up here. There are no customers coming in and 1 phone call with 2 orders in the oven. Maybe I need to work harder to prove I should be here. Or, maybe they are trying to drive me out of here because they don’t actually like me but they just tolerate me… That wouldn’t surprise me. I can barely tolerate myself.
This feeling I call “UGH” consists of anger, confusion, lust, confusion, morals, confusion, anxiety, and oh wait! I almost forgot, confusion. The only way to describe this feeling is ughhhhhhh.
The insecurity I feel around boys, new places, and not being the best of the best is crippling. Not being able to know what people around me are thinking, even if they are being kind at the time, scares me. Not knowing where I’m supposed to go precisely, not having all the right answers, not being able to support myself… It all just makes me anxious. I don’t want to be found in a spot where I am completely helpless.
Growing up, you are taught to be confident in who you are. You are taught that you are worth something, no matter what people say. You are taught that everyone makes mistakes so just laugh at yourself when you do. Just get up and try again.
Here’s my problem (and what seems to be a lot of other peoples as well). We are all taught that and then society decides to tear us down. In high school, when I was at the skinniest and healthiest I have been in my entire (adult-sized) life, I was bullied for being too overweight. I was a very healthy 170 pounds. That sounds like a lot but when you are 5’7″ and have dancers legs, you are carrying mostly muscle. Of course, I had a little extra skin on me, but it was nothing to be concerned about.
I’ve always been afraid of getting laughed at when I get something wrong since I completely embarrassed myself in third grade. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. I got excited thinking I knew what the word “strip” meant. I used the literal terms of taking off your clothes and that was not the definition my teacher wanted and the entire class laughed at me.
And as for boys, I become socially awkward whenever I encounter them. I can’t seem to find a way to connect with any of them without being completely weird about it. I did have one boyfriend 2 years ago. I don’t know how proud I should be of that though. Wow Aly! You’ve had 1 boyfriend 2 years ago? You are really getting yourself out there! Still, it happened.
All this to say, I hate failing. I am a people pleaser and I find I am the hardest one to please. I rely on myself for a lot when I know I am not able to do everything as well as I would like. I stress myself out over the tiniest details that do not matter in the long run and I know people who do this with me.
One piece of advice I always give these people is that God has got this. He has always had your back. He will always have your back and He will not let you fall without being there to catch you. Once you realize that, life becomes filled with much more hope and all of a sudden it is very hard to be mad at whatever experiences you are dealing with.
This is only true if you completely believe what I am saying. This way of thinking is hard to change to and even harder to keep believing when life gets tough and you are not consistently in community with other Christians. I will admit to being awful at being consistent with this myself. While going to the private high school I attended, youth group, and church all at the same time it was very easy to be on a spiritual high and believe this. Ever since I finished school and youth group it has been much harder to do this. I wish I could live in a world where everyone was a Christian and we were always on spiritual highs but unfortunately that doesn’t happen. So, now I have to learn to be a Christian on a spiritual high in a society that is disgusted by this kind of living. UGH, adulting.
Anyways, I guess I wrote this because I wanted to try and encourage others but maybe I’m seeking encouragement myself. While writing this I have realized how deprived of Christian fellowship I have been this summer. As much as I want to say there is a cure for the “UGH” feeling, I don’t know if there is a permanent cure besides going to God and having a different outlook on life because of that.
I’m curious to know what you all think of this though. Have you realized that you have a more positive outlook on life during certain times in your life? Do you have any encouragement for anyone out there feeling all alone because of this feeling? Or do you need encouragement? Let me know in the comments. I’ll read them all and be praying for anyone who says they would like some. 🙂
Until next time my friends.