I have an intuition that I feel things in big ways that other people don’t.
That’s a bold statement to make but I genuinely believe that that is true in some situations. This is my second time posting about a single feeling and this is making me realize that I focus a lot on single emotions and to write about them, I have to be feeling exactly that. And let me tell you, it’s been a while since I have felt the “AHH” feeling. Let me give you some perspective. I started writing this post in either August or September. It is now December (and now January. I have come back to this post many times) and before today I only had the first line written.
Anyway, let me explain this for you.
The “AHH” feeling… It comes when you finish your last exam of the semester and you know you have weeks to relax, when you get to the end of a work week, when you finally realize that yeah, you messed up but life doesn’t have to end because of it.
The past few months have been super difficult for me. I’ve been lonely, full of self-pity, and just in need of someone who genuinely cares about me. I know that those people still exist all around me. I have the most loving family anyone could ask for, I have some of the best friends in the world that are literally there for me whenever but this time, I couldn’t go to them for help. I couldn’t admit to them that I had messed up big time and that I had already done something similar to this before. Even when I did start hinting at how wrong something was, they never really gave me the response I needed, so I never fully opened up. How could I if I knew that there response would be less than subpar for what I needed to make me whole again.
So, hopefully by now I have piqued your interest. Because today is the day I am going to tell you the entire story and the closure that has begun for me concerning this. Over the past semester I wanted to completely give up my religion. There was no point for trying anymore. The world is such a broken place and more and more awful things keep occurring (or I am finally not being sheltered from knowing about all the awful things in the world) and it made me sick. And so, one night, I made the official decision. I messaged one of my coworkers who I had become closer with over the summer and told him what I decided. I knew he didn’t believe in any sort of God (he still doesn’t) and so he would be able to help me learn to not associate myself with anything “Christian”.
He definitely helped me out. Within a couple weeks I was completely filled with self-pity and I happened to be talking to his best friend during that time. I complained to his best friend and to make me feel better, his best friend suggested that I come over and he would help me lose my v-card. It didn’t end up happening. I chickened out/never felt comfortable with it so I didn’t follow through. But, that was a night in my life where I seriously considered sneaking out and doing it just so that I didn’t have the whole religion thing following me around all the time. (Because that’s the way to make religion stop “following” you.)
Something I learned quickly is that leaving “religion” behind was 1)difficult and 2)puts you into a dark pit rather quickly. If you look back on my posts you can kind of tell when this was happening. I’ll let you figure out those for yourself though. 🙂
Anyway, now I can tell you what I feel is truly the “AHH” feeling. I decided that giving up Christianity was not for me. I couldn’t let go of my morals, my beliefs, my want to be around the Christian community. Distancing myself from them was so hard for me. My absolute best friends all come from that community and I couldn’t throw away a lifetime’s worth of friendships. I couldn’t bring myself to even rebel that much. I would get it in my head that I was going to do something awful but every time I started I would chicken out and just wonder what in the world was I thinking?
So, yeah. The “AHH” feeling. The way I would describe it on January 27, 2016? Even in the busiest season of your life, slowing down and taking in the blessings God has given you gives you the breath of fresh air you need to keep going. It is rejuvenating, calming, and fills you to the top with peace.
Try and be the reason for someone else to feel the “AHH” feeling today.
Until next time my friends,